Self-sacrificing Schema

What is a schema?

A broad pervasive theme or pattern.
Comprised of memories, emotions cognitions and bodily sensations.
Regarding oneself and one's relationship with others.
Developed during childhood and adolescence.
Elaborated through one's lifetime.
They cause distress to some degree.

(Young, 1990)

We all have basic human needs such as:

Secure attachments
Autonomy
A sense of competence
Sense of identity
Freedom to express valid needs and emotions
Spontaneity and play
The ability control our behaviour

When these needs are not met (based on the person or the child) there is a somatic, cognitive, emotional, and behavioural response - this is the formation of the schema. This schema then influences how we perceive and interpret future events.

Understanding our schemas helps us to understand patterns in the way the we think, feel, and behave, particularly in relation to ourselves, others and how we think about the world. Our schemas also influence how we function in relationships and how we have sex.

Self Sacrificing Schema

Self Sacrifice Schema involves “Excessive focus on voluntarily meeting the needs of others in daily situations, at the expense of one's own gratification. The most common reasons are: to prevent causing pain to others; to avoid guilt from feeling selfish; or to maintain the connection with others perceived as needy. Often results from an acute sensitivity to the pain of others. Sometimes leads to a sense that one's own needs are not being adequately met and to resentment of those who are taken care of” (Young, 1990).

Signs you have a self sacrifice schema:

You put other people's needs before your own and it means that your needs don’t get met/you don’t take care of yourself
You say yes even when you want to say no
You agree with others to avoid conflict
You think that prioritising your needs is selfish
You feel other people’s pain intensely

What this means for relationships

You feel resentful that your needs are not being met
You feel frustrated that other people do not anticipate your needs
You have trouble setting boundaries
To rest, you avoid situations that involve giving and taking
You consistently feel burnt out

Sex looks like:

You focus on the other person’s pleasure
You are aroused by pleasing others
You avoid sex because it is not fulfilling
You are not aware of you sexual preferences

Some other examples:

Unrelenting Standards Schema

Abandonment Schema

Defectiveness Schema

Entitlement Schema

Social Isolation Schema

This blog post is a brief exploration of this topic and does not replace therapy. At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in a variety of areas including sex therapy, relationships and more. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on this topic, please contact us to let us know.