Defectiveness Schema

What is a schema?

A broad pervasive theme or pattern.
Comprised of memories, emotions, cognitions and bodily sensations.
Regarding oneself and one's relationship with others.
Developed during childhood and adolescence.
Elaborated through one's lifetime.
They cause distress to some degree.

(Young, 1990)

We all have basic human needs such as:

Secure attachments
Autonomy
A sense of competence
Sense of identity
Freedom to express valid needs and emotions
Spontaneity and play
The ability to control our behaviour

When these needs are not met (based on the person or the child) there is a somatic, cognitive, emotional and behavioural response - this is the formation of the schema. This schema then influences how we perceive and interpret future events.

Understanding our schemas helps us to understand patterns in the way the we think, feel, and behave, particularly in relation to ourselves, others and how we think about the world. Our schemas also influence how we function in relationships and how we have sex.

Defectiveness Schema

Signs you have a defectiveness schema:

You fear that if people knew the real you, they would not love you and would leave
You go to great lengths to make up for what you see as your flaws eg. go above and beyond to help people
You are extremely sensitive to signs that people are critical of you
You often compare yourself to others, unfavourably
These perceived flaws might be internal (eg. angry impulses, sexual desires) or external (physical appearance, social awkwardness)

What does this mean for relationships:

You go out of your way to be extra - kind, nice, desirable
You put on a front, and it takes a lot for you to let down your guard
You suppress your anger toward your partner’s behaviour and don’t think you can share it
You have angry outbursts at them that make you feel even worse
You find it hard to believe compliments or kind words

Sex can be used for:

Validation that your carefully constructed mask (appearance and way of behaving) is attractive and desirable
To please your partner/s so they don’t leave you

You might:

Avoid sex entirely because it is too vulnerable
Experience lots of shame around an STI diagnosis or sexual difficulty
Believe that you are not deserving of pleasure

Self-sacrificing Schema

Unrelenting Standards Schema

Abandonment Schema

Entitlement Schema

Social Isolation Schema

This blog post is a brief exploration of this topic and does not replace therapy. At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in a variety of areas including sex therapy, relationships and more. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on this topic, please contact us to let us know.