Entitlement Schema

What is a schema?

A broad pervasive theme or pattern.
Comprised of memories, emotions cognitions and bodily sensations.
Regarding oneself and one's relationship with others.
Developed during childhood and adolescence.
Elaborated through one's lifetime.
They cause distress to some degree.

(Young, 1990)

We all have basic human needs such as:

Secure attachments
Autonomy
A sense of competence
Sense of identity
Freedom to express valid needs and emotions
Spontaneity and play
The ability control our behaviour

When these needs are not met (based on the person or the child) there is a somatic, cognitive, emotional, and behavioural response - this is the formation of the schema. This schema then influences how we perceive and interpret future events.

Understanding our schemas helps us to understand patterns in the way the we think, feel, and behave, particularly in relation to ourselves, others and how we think about the world. Our schemas also influence how we function in relationships and how we have sex.

Entitlement schema

Signs you have an entitlement schema:

You think that you are special and unique and therefore deserve more from life and people, compared to others
You love attention, validation and praise
You like to have control over your life and the people in it
You love winning arguments
You are very competitive
You believe that social norms/expectations do not apply to you
You think you should be able to do whatever you want regardless of the impact on others

What does this mean for relationships:

You like being with people who give a lot and go along with what you want
You have very specific criteria around what you are attracted to eg. physical appearance, level of success
You like to have control over how the relationship runs and what your partner does
You have a hard time understanding or showing empathy when your partner/s is upset
You leave a relationship when it gets difficult/ no longer benefits you

Sex can be used for:

Your pleasure
Feeling a sense of control
Feeling validated and attractive

You might:

Not notice when your partner/s are no longer consenting to sex
Feel that you are entitled to have sex when your partner/s does not want to
Lose attraction for a partner’s if their physical appearance changes

Self-sacrificing Schema

Unrelenting Standards Schema

Abandonment Schema

Defectiveness Schema

Social Isolation Schema

This blog post is a brief exploration of this topic and does not replace therapy. At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in a variety of areas including sex therapy, relationships and more. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on this topic, please contact us to let us know.