What should I do if my partner’s use of porn upsets me?
Porn use within relationships can bring up complex and often conflicting feelings. For some people, it feels neutral or even positive. For others, it can feel deeply unsettling, painful, or threatening.
There is no single “correct” way to feel about porn. What matters is understanding why it affects you and what it means for your relationship/s.
Why porn can feel so loaded
For different people, a partner’s porn use can represent very different things.
It may feel like:
Another presence in the relationship — another place sexual energy is being directed
A source of comparison, where bodies, performance, or desirability feel measured against unrealistic standards
A private outlet for fantasy, stress relief, or self-soothing
A creative or exploratory space that adds inspiration to partnered sex
Something that shapes sexual interests or expectations in ways that feel uncomfortable or misaligned
Because porn sits at the intersection of sexuality, identity, attachment, culture and sometimes morality, religion and politics, it often carries more emotional weight than people expect.
What are my beliefs about porn anchored in?
It can be useful to reflect on where your beliefs about porn come from.
Are they shaped by:
Cultural or religious values?
Feminist critiques of the porn industry?
Personal experiences of betrayal or harm?
Body image or desirability wounds?
Previous relationship ruptures?
Understanding these influences can help you speak from self-knowledge rather than accusation.
Start with curiosity, not conclusions
Before deciding what to do about your partner’s porn use, it can be helpful to turn gently inward.
Some questions to explore include:
What feelings does this bring up for me? E.g. security, sadness, anger, fear, jealousy, shame?
What is my personal history with bodies, sex, desirability, or comparison?
Is this about porn itself, or about something older that porn is touching on?
For many people, porn activates pre-existing wounds around not being enough, being replaced, or being unseen. That does not mean your feelings are irrational, but it does mean they deserve careful understanding rather than immediate action.
Is porn adding to or taking away from our relationship/s?
One of the most useful questions is not “Is porn okay?” but:
What impact is porn having on our sexual and emotional connection?
This is something that can be explored openly with a partner/s, rather than assumed.
Questions might include:
Does porn use seem to increase or decrease sexual energy between us?
Does it provide inspiration or curiosity, or does it create distance?
Have we explored things together that were influenced by porn, and how did that feel?
Does porn ever replace partnered sex in a way that leaves one of us feeling unwanted or rejected?
Porn itself is not the issue here, the impact is.
Sexual selfhood and fantasy in relationships
It can also help to reflect on a broader question:
What does a healthy sexual relationship with oneself look like within a committed relationship?
For some couples, solo sexuality, fantasy, and stimulation outside the relationship feel acceptable and even supportive. For others, these experiences feel more threatening or misaligned with their values.
Important questions include:
Is fantasy outside the relationship acceptable to me, and if so, to what extent?
What feels like nourishment versus disconnection?
What agreements do we want to consciously make, rather than assume?
There is no universal right or wrong here. What matters is shared understanding, not silent tolerance.
Openness, secrecy, and privacy
Another layer that often causes pain is not porn itself, but how it is handled.
It can be helpful to ask:
How much openness feels important to me in a relationship?
What is the difference between privacy and secrecy for us?
Would I feel differently if porn use were acknowledged rather than hidden?
Secrecy tends to erode trust. Privacy, when mutually understood, usually does not. Clarifying this distinction can significantly reduce distress.
When does porn become a problem?
Porn use becomes a concern not because it exists, but because of how it functions, individually and relationally.
Porn may be becoming problematic if one or more of the following patterns are present:
Porn is replacing connection rather than coexisting with it
Porn is used instead of partnered sex in a way that leaves one partner feeling unwanted, rejected, or shut out
Sexual intimacy decreases without conversation or repair
The issue here is not porn itself, but disconnection without consent or clarity.
2. Porn is used as the primary way to regulate emotions
Porn is relied on to cope with stress, anxiety, loneliness, shame, or emotional overwhelm
It becomes the main or only source of soothing or escape
Attempts to reduce use feel distressing, compulsive, or out of control
When porn functions primarily as emotional regulation rather than sexual expression, it can signal unmet emotional or nervous system needs.
3. Secrecy Is Undermining Trust
Porn use is hidden, denied, or minimised
Devices, accounts, or behaviours are concealed
Disclosure only happens after confrontation
In many relationship/s, it is not porn that breaks trust, it is secrecy and dishonesty.
4. Porn is shaping expectations in harmful ways
Sexual expectations feel unrealistic, pressured, or performative
Consent, pleasure, or boundaries are compromised
One partner feels objectified, compared, or erased
Porn becomes problematic when it narrows sexuality rather than expanding mutual understanding and care.
5. Impact is repeatedly dismissed
One partner’s distress is minimised or reframed as insecurity
There is little willingness to reflect, negotiate, or adjust behaviour
Conversations about impact go nowhere
Porn does not need to be eliminated to be taken seriously. Responsiveness matters more than agreement.
Talking about porn without turning it into a fight
If you choose to talk to your partner, aim to:
Speak about impact, not character
Name feelings rather than demands
Stay curious about your partner/s experience
Be honest about what you need, not just what you dislike
The goal is not to “win” the conversation, but to understand whether your values, needs, and boundaries can coexist.
A final thought
When porn causes distress in a relationship, the answer is rarely found in rigid rules or moral positions.
More often, the work lies in understanding:
What porn represents emotionally
What it activates personally
What it contributes — or costs — relationally
Healthy relationships are not defined by whether porn is allowed or forbidden, but by whether partners can talk honestly, set boundaries with care, and respond to vulnerability with respect.
If these conversations feel impossible to have without defensiveness, shutdown, or repeated hurt, seeking support can help create the safety needed to explore this together.
How can SHIPS support you?
AUTHOR
Dr. Sarah Ashton, PhD
Director & Founder of Sexual Health and Intimacy Psychological Services (SHIPS)
Related self-help courses and resources:
Your Relationship with Porn
Online course
How to talk about sex
Online resource
Self-Guided Sensate Focus
Online course
Navigating Conflict: Reflection & Checklist
Online resource
