Failure Schema

What is a schema?

A broad pervasive theme or pattern.
Comprised of memories, emotions, cognitions and bodily sensations.
Regarding oneself and one's relationship with others.
Developed during childhood and adolescence.
Elaborated through one's lifetime.
They cause distress to some degree.

(Young, 1990)

We all have basic human needs such as:

Secure attachments
Autonomy
A sense of competence
Sense of identity
Freedom to express valid needs and emotions
Spontaneity and play
The ability to control our behaviour

When these needs are not met (based on the person or the child) there is a somatic, cognitive, emotional, and behavioural response - this is the formation of the schema. This schema then influences how we perceive and interpret future events.

Understanding our schemas helps us to understand patterns in the way the we think, feel, and behave, particularly in relation to ourselves, others and how we think about the world. Our schemas also influence how we function in relationships and how we have sex.

Failure Schema

Signs you have a Failure Schema:

You constantly compare yourself to other people
You think that you have not done enough in life compared to other people
You feel hopeless about being unable to achieve what you would like to
You think there is something inherent about you that makes you a failure
You procrastinate a lot

What does this mean for relationships:

You are attracted to people you consider successful
Initially you feel like they will inspire you to finally do what you have always wanted to
After a while their success just makes you feel bad about yourself
You are afraid of your partner’s judgement
You avoid relationships because you don’t think you are good enough

Sex can be used for:

Avoiding/coping with feelings of failure
Using porn to procrastinate a task that would be helpful for you to do eg. clean or work

You might:

Avoid sex altogether if you have an STI because this triggers shame and a sense of failure
You enjoy feeling powerful during sex and taking on a dominant role
Overcompensate by ‘performing’ sex ‘really well’

Self-sacrificing Schema

Unrelenting Standards Schema

Abandonment Schema

Defectiveness Schema

Social Isolation Schema

Entitlement Schema

This blog post is a brief exploration of this topic and does not replace therapy. At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in a variety of areas including sex therapy, relationships and more. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on this topic, please contact us to let us know.