It’s one of the most common concerns individuals, couples, and people in different relationship dynamics bring to therapy: “Why don’t I feel desire for my partner anymore?”

At the start of a relationship, desire can be overwhelming, passionate, and strong. All you want is to be with your partner, and you might even feel aroused just by their very presence. At this stage of the relationship, sex, chemistry, and pleasure often come easily (pun intended).

But there is usually a point of transition where, suddenly or gradually, desire lessens. Other things take priority. Maybe you experience less attachment to sex, or sex begins to feel like another item on the list. Understandably, this can leave you with questions: Is there something wrong with our connection? Is there something wrong with my partner? Is there something wrong with me?

The truth is that desire is an invisible, fluctuating system in our body, mind, relationships, and environment. How you feel about your partner may have little to do with your attraction to them, or whether the relationship is “going wrong.” There are usually multiple factors at play.

Psychologists often use a biopsychosocial model to understand sexual desire — meaning we look at the biological, psychological, and social/relational factors that shape it.

Biological Factors

Your body plays a big role in shaping desire. Common influences include:

Hormones — Shifts related to menstrual cycles, pregnancy, postpartum, perimenopause, or testosterone changes can affect arousal and desire. As we age, experience stress, or manage health conditions, hormones shift — and this can impact desire.
Health conditions — Chronic pain, fatigue, sleep disorders, or conditions like endometriosis, PCOS, or adenomyosis may limit sexual interest. Sex requires energy, and our body and mind need to be in a state where relaxation and connection are possible. If we are in pain or exhausted, this may not be accessible.
Medications — Antidepressants, antihypertensives, hormonal contraception, and other medications can lower desire. For example, SSRIs change dopamine reward pathways, which play a key role in arousal.
Substance use — Alcohol, recreational drugs, or even high caffeine use can alter mood, arousal, and responsiveness. Substances interact with our bodies and our energy levels, sometimes inhibiting sexual arousal.
Exercise and energy levels — Both under-exercise and over-exercise can disrupt libido through stress on the nervous system.
Neurotype — Neurodivergence (such as ADHD or autism) can influence sexual desire, from sensory sensitivities and nervous system regulation to energy and focus patterns.

Psychological factors

Desire is deeply connected to how we think and feel.

Stress and mental load — High levels of stress, anxiety, or overwhelm can shut down sexual responsiveness.
Trauma history — Past sexual, relational, or attachment trauma can affect how safe or open someone feels in intimate moments. Trauma activation can make arousal and connection feel impossible.
Body image — Struggling with self-esteem or negative body perceptions reduces willingness to engage sexually. Being sexual involves being present in our bodies — so if our relationship with our body is critical, it will influence thoughts, feelings, and behaviour during sex.
Mood and mental health — Depression, burnout, and fatigue affect our capacity for sex, our self-perception, and increase the likelihood of self-critical thoughts that disrupt pleasure.
Expectations and pressure — Worrying about performance, or holding onto “shoulds” about sex, can interfere with natural desire.

Social & relational Factors

Sexuality never happens in a vacuum — it’s shaped by our relationships and environments.

Relationship dynamics — Conflict, resentment, or lack of emotional intimacy can reduce attraction. Different attachment styles and activation of attachment trauma can strongly influence whether sex feels safe and desirable.
Communication — Difficulty talking about sex, needs, or fantasies creates distance. Communication is crucial for intimacy, connection, and feeling seen and understood — all of which are important contextual factors for desire.
Routine and familiarity — Long-term relationships can fall into predictable patterns. For some people this dampens excitement and novelty.
Cultural messages — Shame, stigma, or restrictive beliefs about sexuality can suppress desire — especially if reinforced by family, peers, or community.
Parenting and caregiving roles — Exhaustion, lack of privacy, and shifting roles can leave little emotional or physical energy for sex.
Politics and environment — Wider stressors, such as discrimination, economic insecurity, or political upheaval, can shape the nervous system and reduce capacity for pleasure and intimacy.

Desire is not broken — It’s responsive

One of the most important things to know is that desire is not a fixed trait - it responds to context. With the right support, shifts in connection, and sometimes professional help, desire can return or be re-imagined in new ways.

It’s also important to emphasise: there is no “right” or “wrong” way to be. It is normal for desire to change over time, and for other priorities to take its place. It is also normal for people in the same relationship to be in different spaces when it comes to how much sex they want. That difference does not mean anyone is broken.

What matters is: