Meeting connection in mixed neurotype relationships

The Double Empathy Problem is a theory developed by autistic scholar Dr Damian Milton. It challenges the outdated idea that autistic people “lack social skills.”

Instead, it highlights that communication is a two-way street. Difficulties often arise between autistic and non-autistic people because both bring different perspectives, ways of expressing themselves, and ways of interpreting the world.

In relationships particularly where there are mixed neurotypes this means the responsibility for communication rests with both people. It’s not about the autistic person adapting to neurotypical ways of communicating. There’s no single “right” or “wrong” way, just different ways of connecting.

This perspective is important not only for building stronger, more connected relationships, but also for acknowledging the weight of responsibility neurodivergent people have carried for so long - often being expected to adapt constantly to a neuronormative world. Recognising this imbalance opens the door to more mutual understanding, shared effort, and genuine connection.

Why this matters in relationships

For recognised relationships, friendship or families (blood or chosen) where there is a mix of neurotypes, the Double Empathy framework is especially powerful. It shifts the responsibility for communication away from the autistic person having to adapt to neurotypical norms, and instead highlights that:

There is no single “right” or “wrong” way to communicate.
Mutual understanding requires effort on both sides.
Each person’s way of connecting deserves respect and curiosity.

Framing one person’s ways of communicating as a “problem” only doubles down on the trauma many neurodivergent people have already experienced. Neurodivergent individuals are more likely to carry histories of trauma related to not fitting in, not being understood, and the heavy burden of masking (putting on a performance to meet social expectations) often for most of their lives.

Our relationships can be a powerful place to shift this pattern. When partners approach each other with curiosity and compassion, they create the conditions for safety, authenticity, and healing.

Furthermore, framing communication difficulties as belonging to just one person does not encourage a collaborative approach to building the relationship. When one partner is seen as holding the entire “problem of communication,” it undermines what we know to be part of the recipe for healthy relationships: understanding each other and working together.

Practical ways to meet in the middle

Mixed neurotype relationships can thrive when both partners are open to learning about each other’s styles of connection. Everyone is different and there really is no one way for communicating. Here are some practical ideas that reflect Double Empathy in action:

Shared, non-verbal connection – Spending time together in activities that don’t rely on constant verbal exchange (e.g., watching a show, walking, cooking side by side).
Intentional timing – Planning and scheduling emotionally demanding conversations so they happen when both people feel prepared
Processing space – Allowing time to reflect and come back to discussions, rather than expecting instant responses.
Love in different languages – Noticing and appreciating how your partner expresses care or affection, even if it looks different from your own style.
Checking assumptions – Instead of assuming misunderstanding is “one-sided,” pausing to ask clarifying questions and showing curiosity about the other person’s perspective.

Incompatibility is Important to Acknowledge

While it is important to recognise individual differences and take steps to meet in the middle, it is equally important to acknowledge the validity of each person’s needs.

We all share fundamental needs in relationships, to feel:

Safe
Attuned to and understood
Validated
Soothed
Cared for

Sometimes, different approaches and different needs mean that even with effort to meet halfway, the relationship may still not work for everyone - and that’s okay.

Relationships are a constant balance between individual needs, partner needs, and the needs of the relationship itself. It is natural for these to shift over time. And it is equally valid to acknowledge when, despite best efforts, a relationship isn’t working.

Final thoughts

Reframing our perception of communication and connection takes time. Most of us have grown up in a neurotypical world, where ideas of what is “normal” have been shaped by narrow expectations.

Realising that there are many different ways of being and connecting is actually liberating news - for everyone. It means we don’t need to be bound by social conventions or by anyone else’s expectations of what a relationship “should” look like.

What matters most is finding what feels authentic, safe, and meaningful for you and your partner. There is no single right way to have a relationship - only the way that works for the people in it.

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