One of the most common issues in relationships is a disparity in how much sex is wanted. This can come down to a difference in libido or other, more complex relationship and life factors. Here are our top tips for approaching this difference.

1. Build a collaborative goal about what you want for your relationship.

You might want more sex, but does your partner? It is important for you to come to a shared understanding about your individual wants and needs and the needs for the relationship.

If they want more sex with you too- read on!

If they don't: Reflect on how important having sex is to you, and whether the amount of sex your partner wants is okay for you or not. It is okay for everyone to want sex to different degrees and sometimes this impacts the level of compatibility in your relationship. While it might be a difficult decision to make, sometimes it is better to end a relationship rather than continue to expect and need something that your partner is not going to be able to give you.

2. Explore your brakes and accelerators

Our desire for sex and our arousal is influenced by a range of internal and external factors. There are factors unique to every person that turn us on or off - we can refer to these as your accelerator and breaks. They are different for every person so it is important that you understand what they are for you, and what they are for your partner/s.

This might allow you both to tune into what is needed to increase your partner’s arousal.

Check out Emily Nagoski’s worksheets for more info.

3. Understand the impact of life circumstances

Has your partner's desire for this amount of sex been constant throughout your relationship and/or their adult life? Or are there circumstances right now that might be impacting it?

Lots of stress at work, a death in the family, studying for exams or physical health issues are all examples of life circumstances that can impact on desire for sex. Everyone is impacted differently and by different things so it is important you understand what might be relevant for your partner.

It is really normal for the desire for sex to change with the ebbs and flows of life, so it might be about riding this wave together.

See our blog: Factors that can affect your sex drive, for more information on this.

4. Understand the impact of attachment style

Our attachment styles can influence how safe we feel in a relationship. Not feeling safe can be a huge break for many people (even if you do not consciously realise it). Our desire for sex can sometimes be driven by a need to soothe anxiety about separation and our avoidance of sex or lack of desire can be driven by a fear of losing autonomy in a relationship.

Understanding the attachment factors for each person, and the dynamics in the relationship may be an important part of understanding the differences in desire for sex. Attachment-focused therapy can be helpful in this context.

5. Explore ways of fulfilling your sexual needs solo

Even if your libido matches with your partner there are going to be times when they are not around, or they are not wanting sex at that moment. We can’t expect our partners to meet our sexual needs all of the time.

It is so important and healthy to have a sexual relationship with yourself. Perhaps it is time to really invest in understanding and exploring your own pleasure. Are there some new sex toys you could experiment with? New fantasies you could explore?

6. Prioritise intimacy not just sex.

In addition to experiencing physical pleasure and exploring the erotic parts of ourselves, most people want to have sex with their partner because they want to feel close to them. There are so many ways to experience intimacy that do not involve sex.

Physical intimacy can include: cuddling, massages, holding hands, and gazing into each other's eyes.

Emotional intimacy can include: sharing fears and concerns, speaking about hopes and dreams, discussing the highs and lows of your days, and understanding more about your partner’s history.

This blog post is a brief exploration of this topic and does not replace therapy. At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in a variety of areas including sex therapy, relationships and more. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on this topic, please contact us to let us know.