CW: This blog discusses sexual trauma and the mental health impacts.

This article is written from the perspective of a psychologist working with clients who have experienced sexual trauma, and working with the partners of people with sexual trauma. We would like to acknowledge that everyone’s experience and perspective is different and valuable, and we would like to promote the experiences and perspectives of people with lived experience. If you would like to give us any feedback regarding the content of this article or would like to share any of your experiences, we would love to hear it.

If your partner told you that they had experienced sexual trauma, would you know how to respond and support them (and yourself)?

Many of the clients who seek support at SHIPS have partner(s) who have experienced sexual trauma, and they often come to therapy wanting to know how to better support their loved one, and in doing so, also look after their own mental health. Many people feel frozen or overwhelmed, because they are unsure how to navigate such a sensitive topic, and don’t want to do or say anything that would cause further harm.

Wanting to support a loved one who has experienced something as violating and horrendous as sexual trauma is a caring and intimate act, yet we need to offer this support in a way that enhances our partner/s sense of control, safety and agency and also prioritises our own wellbeing and boundaries. This blog is written for the lovers and partners of people who have experienced sexual trauma. I share this in the hope that you can find some general information to support the loved ones in your life, while recognising that no two experiences are the same.

Like always, before we deep dive into this important and complicated topic, it is important to remember that:

Looking after yourself has to be the first priority. If you don’t have enough spoons for yourself, then you can’t offer these spoons to anyone else. It’s important that you seek out your own mental health support too.
While your loved one might be struggling, you are ultimately just one person and it is important that they seek out professional support if this is needed. Supporting and being informed about your loved one’s experience is different to ‘fixing’ them, or ‘solving it.’ One of the most helpful things you can do is support your person to find and access professional support.
A person’s experiences of trauma can influence their actions or their process of recovery. It’s important to remember that even though your support and understanding can make a big difference, you are never responsible for someone else's actions or outcomes- they are outside of your control.

It can be a confusing and scary time for you, the supporter, to know that someone important to you is struggling with the impact of sexual trauma. You might be feeling helpless, overwhelmed, alone, confronted and sad with how to help. Your person might have changed in ways that are hard to make sense of, and they might have changed how they interact with you. It can be a really challenging time. Supporting the person you care about to heal takes time, patience and communication. But healing is possible, and your support can play a vital role in their recovery.

The impact of trauma on sexuality

A traumatic experience can have profound and serious impacts on a person, and affect them in many different ways and in different domains of their life. It can change their relationship with their body, how they think and feel, how they behave and how they relate to other people. Importantly, there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ trauma response - however someone responds to a traumatic event is real and valid. Someone’s reaction to trauma also doesn’t correlate to the severity of the trauma. I often say to my clients that there is no gold medal for trauma. Trauma is trauma- it is a real, significant and serious experience that can alter someone’s psychology and we need to respond to survivors in a way that treats it as such.

Surviving sexual trauma does not automatically mean that sex, sexual intimacy and sexual enjoyment will be difficult, but it can be common. Some research reports difficulty with sexual satisfaction and pleasure, and that the fear response interrupts the experience of sexual arousal and desire. Additionally, changes in sexuality are common, and can include loss of interest in sex, increase or change in sexual partners, and experiencing flashbacks in sex and the ending of relationships. Other survivors however, report increases in sexual activity following trauma. Because sexual trauma inherently lacks the conditions for a positive sexual experience (consent, trust, respect and safety), other sexual impacts can include:

Confusion during sexual and emotional intimacy.

Discomfort with touch in certain areas of the body.
Changes in the type of sexual activity that is enjoyable.
Specific preferences for sexual contexts. For example, lights on or off when sex occurs.
Experiencing difficulties in achieving sexual arousal or ejaculation.
Feeling distress, shame or guilt about a sexual response, interest or fantasy.
Low libido or avoiding sex altogether.
Engaging in sexually impulsive, compulsive or risky behavior.
Difficulty remaining ‘in the moment’ when engaging in sexual activity.
Requiring the use of pornography or sexual aids to achieve arousal or ejaculation.
Difficulty trusting sexual partners.
Experiencing panic attacks, disassociation or flashbacks during sexual activity.
Difficulties in sexual relationships, confusing sex with love, care-giving, abuse, pain, with being powerless or being powerful.
Disrupt our understanding/ meaning of sex.

How to support a partner

Some survivors of sexual trauma recover in weeks or months on their own, or with the help of friends and family. Others struggle with the impacts for longer periods of time and some benefit from the support of a psychologist or counsellor. One factor that can have the most significant influence on someone's recovery is how others respond to them, and the amount of support they receive. People who experience shaming or minimisation in response to their disclosure, if they are not believed, or experience a lack of response all together, can experience this as an additional, sometimes even more severe form of trauma. This is why your role as a support person can be so pivotal - can you, quite literally, rewire a survivor's perception of others as trustworthy, reliable and safe. It’s also important that you get support for yourself during this time too.

Some important ways that you can offer support are to:

Believe them.
Don’t minimise what they are telling you. Don’t say things like “That doesn’t sound as bad as what happened to Billie,” or “Well, compared to what could have happened, you’re lucky!”
Stay calm.
Give your person time to talk if and when they want to.
Don’t force someone to talk to you or disclose details if they don’t want to.
Listen closely and with openness to their experience. Don’t offer solutions if the person hasn’t asked for them.
Validate their feelings and reactions. Say things like “I can see why you feel scared sometimes. I would be too.”
Don’t judge them, their thoughts, actions or what they did or didn’t do. Everyone does the best they can at the time (and being in a state of threat changes what you have the capacity to do).
Let your person know that you are there to support them. Say things like “What can I do right now and in the future to support you? What do you need?”
Let them know that what happened was not their fault.
Normalise their response. Say things like “I’m sure that anyone who experienced what you have would have responded in the same way.”
Assist them with tasks if this is what they want. You can offer too if this feels right.
Be patient- there are likely to be good days and bad days.
Support whatever action they need to take - the only priority is their recovery and they are not responsible for preventing the perpetrator from causing further harm, and at the same time, they have every right to take legal action.
Support them to access information, options and help if this is what they want.
Show hope for their recovery. Say things like “It might feel hard for a while, but you will get through it. And I will be beside you the whole time.”
Maintain confidentiality, and don’t break their trust. Keep promises or commitments you have made to this person.
Help them to feel safe, and ask them what they would need to feel safe.

As someone’s intimate partner, there are also other things you can do to support your partner and their sexuality.

Explore triggers

It is important to be led by what your partner feels willing to share. When they are ready to share or discuss their current experiences, it can be important to explore triggers that might exist for them (without necessarily going into detail about the actual trauma). Allow your partner to share as much as they want to, and make it clear that you are willing to listen to them. Exploring triggers with your partner might include specific scenarios, sensitive areas of the body, or sensory experiences.

It might also include relational dynamics (for example, feeling a lack of power or control). If your partner feels able, it may be worth exploring who was involved, their gender, the relationship context, ways of engaging or disengaging, the place, acts, positions, touches, smells, sounds, or feelings. Your partner may wish to avoid some of these triggers, or to experience these same experiences in a safe way with safe people. It’s important to remember that uncomfortable memories or thoughts relating to sexual assault may re-appear during sexual contact, and situations that replicate the experience of assault may be particularly difficult and triggering.

Go slow

Your partner may also be unaware of their triggers until they experience them. It’s important to emphasise that if and when you are sexually intimate with your partner(s), that you prioritise safety and choice (both yours and theirs), including the choice to stop, change or start again. Allow them to set the pace, and don’t try to speed up or pressure them into any form of physical touch or sexual intimacy. Instead of treating sex like a 100 metre sprint, try to treat it like a marathon. Go slow, take your time, try to remain mindful and in tune with your partner(s) and their body/bodies. Give your partner(s) the time and space they might need to feel comfortable with sexual intimacy.

Embed consent into your relationship

It can also be helpful to talk to your partner about how they would feel with you initiating sexual contact, and in particular, how comfortable they feel to say no or indicate that they are not comfortable with what is happening. Open conversations about consent are especially important when a partner has experienced sexual trauma. It might be useful to check in with your partner regularly to create space for them to share how they are feeling about what is happening, so you take a bit of the pressure off them having to assert this.

Your partner has experienced their boundaries being violated, so it’s important to explicitly emphasise that the boundaries you have in your relationship with them will be honoured. Talk about how you say yes and no to each other, and how you each/all feel when the answer is no. Explicitly discuss that consent can be withdrawn and needs to be re-given at each new instance of intimacy. Also talk about your boundaries and limits, in addition to your partner/s. You may also want to try using the Traffic Light strategy.

Red light means: I do not want to have sex, sexual touch or sexual intimacy at this moment.
Orange light means: I’m on the fence, I’m not sure, I could change to green light or red light.
Green light means: I would like and am consenting to sex, sexual touch or sexual intimacy at this moment.

It can be helpful to ask your partner(s) - “What light are you right now?”

Prioritise control over their body

Your partner(s) experience with sexual assault means that their control over their body has been lost in a really profound way. As a result, they may experience discomfort or distress with intimate touch that makes them feel as though they do not have control. When you are engaging in sexual play with your partner(s), provide them with control over the encounter. Let them make the first move if that feels good for them, decide what areas of the body are green zones, orange zones or red zones, discuss in advance sexual positions or play that works for both/all of you, and always seek verbal consent when you are escalating the sexual encounter.

Express love, affection and sexuality in other ways

It is important that your partner feels that you value connection and intimacy in many different ways, particularly as sex has been an unsafe experience of them, or if they have been made to feel that their value is connected to sex.

Sex is the ‘cherry on top of the intimacy sundae.’ Yes it is intimate, and yes it can be great, but there are so many other ways to express love, affection and intimacy with your partner/s. Think about how else you show that you are attracted to your partner(s)? What else do you/ can you do to express your desire for someone? How else do you tap into your erotic self and explore eroticism in your relationship? Esther Perel challenges us to expand our definition of eroticism from purely sexual, to a feeling of aliveness. So think about how and when you feel alive with your partner/s.

Additionally, physical touch is just one way we can give and receive love - did you know there are four more?! They are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and receiving gifts. Consider how you like to give love and receive love, and in turn, how your partner(s) give and receive love. What other avenues exist for you to connect with your partner/s that are beyond the physical.

In conclusion:

People experience sexual assault trauma differently, and it can be complex to navigate. However, it is ultimately about being willing to trust again, and trusting that your vulnerability can be held safely by another. If you’ve made it to this part of the blog, it shows you want to know how to hold your partner safely, and that is a wonderful thing. Sometimes, the biggest thing you can do is to make space for the hurt. Sometimes, knowing that your partner can come to you and fall apart is the biggest and best thing you can do. Being part of someone’s healing journey is a privilege, and it paves the way to new horizons of intimacy.

MORE HELPFUL RESOURCES

CASA Forum: Victorian Centres Against Sexual Assault

What to say when a partner discloses sexual trauma - Kellie Scott, ABC Everyday

How to Support a Friend or Loved One Who Has Been Sexually Abused - Vanessa Marin, New York Times (subscription may be required)

For partners of survivors of sexual abuse - Opening the Circle

At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in working with clients who have experienced sexual trauma, and working with the partners of people with sexual trauma. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on the topic of supporting a partner who has experienced sexual trauma, please contact us to let us know.