“Sex” and "having sex" can mean different things to different people. Due to the messages that we have received in our society and culture, many may consider “sex” to only mean when a penis has penetrated a vagina or anus.

This can be problematic. By having a limited definition of sex, we limit our sexual expression, our sexuality, and our understanding of sex and sexual health.

We also place pressure on ourselves to always want to, be willing to, or be able to engage in penetrative sex. As said by sexologist Sanjay Deshpande, sexuality is a part of our lives “from womb to tomb”. But it is unrealistic to think that how we like to have sex now is how we can or want to have sex forever.

“Sex” can actually have a broad definition and a variety of meanings. It can refer to any sexual activity between two or more people where there is an emotional, verbal, and/or physical exchange of sexual energy.

What sex is:

Consensual and safe for all involved.
Subjective and can be anything that you decide it to be.

It can include, but is not limited to:

Sexual intercourse (penetrative).
Sexual outercourse (non-penetrative).
Using a part of the body, a sex toy, and/or an object to sexually arouse and/or stimulate another person, with or without direct touch.
Sharing a sexual fantasy with someone.
Watching or being present while someone engages in a sexual activity on their own (e.g., masturbation) or with someone else.
Providing support and care to someone before, during, and/or after a sexual activity.
Engaging in sexual activities that are online or over-the-phone (words, pictures, and/or videos) or in person.

What sex isn’t:

Only when someone’s penis penetrates another person’s vagina or anus.
Dependent on whether someone or everyone involved has had an orgasm.

Knowing that sex can mean different things to different people at different times in their lives means that you can choose what it means to you!

This blog post is a brief exploration of this topic and does not replace therapy. At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled in a variety of areas including sex therapy, relationships and more. If you may benefit from some support, please check out our website resources, or contact us.

We are also always happy to hear feedback about our blog articles. If you would like to share your experience or feel we may have missed something on this topic, please contact us to let us know.