Intimate Partner Violence

Content Warning: Intimate partner violence, coercive control, sexual assault

Hello, I’m Grace and I am a psychologist at SHIPS. This is a heavy topic, but it is an important one.

Unfortunately, this affects many of the clients I work with, and what I have noticed is that one of the most difficult aspects of experiencing intimate partner violence (IPV) is that you can feel alone -you can think that you are the only one. Also, there are many subtle behaviours that can contribute to or lead up to IPV that are difficult to understand.

So, I have put together some information I think might be helpful in understanding a little bit more about IPV, and if this has affected you or someone you love, maybe this will help you feel less alone in your experiences.

Let’s take a deep, compassionate breath and dive in.

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Who does it affect?

Intimate partner violence (IPV) can happen to anyone, of any age, gender, sexuality, ability or relationship structure. It does not discriminate. The World Health Organisation estimates that the overwhelming global burden of IPV is borne by women (not specified if this is cis-women or people who identify as women), and perpetrated by male intimate partners or ex-partners. Research also suggests that while indigenous women, young women, pregnant women, women separating from their partners, women with a disability and women experiencing financial hardship are particularly at risk of violence, IPV occurs across all ages, socio economic and demographic groups.

In a 2018 study, research found that one in four women (defined as cisgender women in the study) and one in six men (defined as cisgender men in the study) have experienced emotional abuse by a current or previous partner, and one in six women and one in sixteen men had experienced physical and/ or sexual violence by a current or previous partner. Compared with non-Indigenous Australians, Indigenous Australians experienced twice the rate of partner homicides, 32 times the rate of hospitalisations due to IPV, and seven times the rate of child abuse and neglect. Further research suggests that people who identify as LGBTIQ experience IPV at similar rates to those who identity as heterosexual, however there is a systemic lack of recognition of IPV within gender diverse or same-sex relationships, and underreporting of IPV in these groups.

Is this IPV? Subtle or not-so-subtle signs?

While we tend to understand conceptually that intimate partner or family violence is not ok, I find that lots of people are unsure if what they are experiencing actually ‘counts’ as intimate partner violence. Often when we are in relationships, we may tend to give our partner(s) the benefit of the doubt. We might not pay attention, overlook or ‘explain away’ poor behaviour by others. We may think that “this is just how it is when I’m with this person.” We might also deny that these not-so-great behaviours happened as a way of protecting ourselves and our hope for this relationship. At an extreme, we might also ignore those behaviours to help us to maintain our survival.

When we overlook or deny these behaviours, over time, we might begin to get used to them. It becomes “just that thing he/ she/ they do.” In therapy, clients tend to ask us “how seriously should I take this?” The answer is to objectively consider the behaviours, and ask yourself things like, “what would I say to my friend if they told me their partner(s) was doing this?”; “is this behaviour making me feel scared or unsafe?”; or “what is my partner(s) trying to achieve with this behaviour?” If the answer is “to control me” or “to manipulate me”, then it might be a not-so-great behaviour.

Early on, our partners may also show small attempts at not-so-great behaviours as a way to understand where the boundary is or what they can ‘get away with.’ This might include small attempts at control or manipulation, like asking you to take the PIN off your phone (or sharing what it is) when you don’t want to, asking for you to lend them a little more money that feels comfortable, jealousy that feels a little possessive, setting up “Find My Phone” without a good reason, or strongly persuading you to do or try something that you might not usually (i.e. consuming alcohol or drugs, performing sex acts).

Intimate partner violence (IPV) definitions

There are many different types of IPV so let’s explore behaviours and examples of what IPV is and what it might look like (however is by no means exhaustive). I am hoping that in sharing this information, it provides some certainty or empowerment for people to know that what is happening to you is not ok, and to answer those objective questions about behaviours of our lovers that we might be unsure of.

If any of these things have happened to you, I cannot say this loudly and clearly enough. These behaviours are not ok. Nothing you did or did not do made these behaviours ok. It was not your fault. It is not your fault.

No matter the circumstances, no matter the excuse, IPV is never ok. IPV or family violence includes physical violence, sexual violence, financial abuse, causing psychological harm, spiritual violence, social violence, legal violence, reproductive violence, neglect and stalking. It can be perpetrated by a current or former partner/s or spouses, and can include violence directed toward a partner, a child or a family member.

Physical Violence happens when someone deliberately hurts your body, or takes away control of your body. It might include hurting or trying to hurt a partner by hitting, kicking, or using another type of physical harm. You do not have to be experiencing pain to experience physical violence. It might also include being tied up or restrained in some way, being given medication or drugs to stop you moving or thinking clearly, or to make you feel unwell, being forced to consume alcohol or drugs, stopping you taking medication you need to feel well or destroying equipment you may need, like a wheelchair. Someone threatening to physically hurt you is also abuse (regardless of whether they never do what they say they will). You don’t have to have bruises, scratches or marks on your body to be abuse.

Sexual violence happens when someone forces, pressures or tricks a person to participate in a sex act, sexual touching, or a non-physical sexual event (e.g., sexting) when the person does not or cannot consent. No one has the right to make you do sexual things that you don’t want to do, even if you are married to them or in an intimate relationship with them. Sexual violence can include looking at or touching any part of your body in a sexual way when you don’t want them to, putting their genitals, fingers or objects inside you when you don’t want them to, showing or ‘flashing’ their genitals at you, sexually harassing you (including any of the following without your consent- staring; saying sexual things; showing you porn; emailing, texting or sending you sexual messages or pictures; bothering you on social media with sexual messages, posts or pictures; following you and saying or doing sexual things; touching you in ways you don’t want to be touched), watching you when you are naked or self-pleasuring without your consent, taking off a condom before or during sex without your permission, posting or sharing sexual images of you with others or online without your consent, making you watch or participate in porn, stopping you from making your own choices about reproduction, grooming or doing anything sexual with a child, or doing sexual things with you when you are unable to consent (under the influence of alcohol or drugs, unconscious, asleep etc).

Another form of sexual violence is sexual coercion, and this when someone pressures or tricks you into doing sexual things you don’t want to. It includes things like someone saying they will leave you or have sex with someone else if you don’t have sex with them, trying to get you to drink more alcohol more than you want to so that you’ll agree to sex, making you feel guilty for not having sex when they want, telling you its your duty to have sex with them, saying that they will get you out of debt, provide you with drugs, let you stay at their house or help you with a problem if you have sex with them, or scaring you into having sex.

Also included in sexual violence is image based abuse, and this occurs when a nude or sexual image of a person is shared with consent or permission. It also includes threats to take or share a nude or sexual image of a person. Image based abuse is sometimes called ‘revenge porn’, but the meaning behind it isn’t always revenge. Most often, image-based abuse is motivated by a need to embarrass, control or extract money.

Financial abuse (or economic abuse) is where someone uses money in ways to hurt you. It might include forcing you to apply for a loan or a credit card that you don’t want, stopping you from getting a job, controlling or preventing your access to money, demanding access to your bank accounts, being excluded from financial decision making or being excluded from having access to information about your or your household’s money. You might be stopped from having money that is yours, being forced to pay for things you don’t want or need, have your pension, benefits or pay controlled, someone may take or sell your property or possessions with your consent, or taking out loans or running debts in your name.

Psychological harm (also known as psychological abuse, emotional abuse or mental abuse) involves someone saying or doing things with the intent to harm another person and/ or to exert control over another person. No one behaves perfectly in relationships all the time, but when someone deliberately hurts you over and over and aims to make you feel scared or bad about yourself, it is abuse. It can include embarrassing you in public or in front of people you know, calling you names, threatening to harm you, your pets, your children or other people who are important to you, treating you badly because of your religion, race, past, disability, gender, sexuality, relationship structure or family, ignoring you, doing or saying things that make you feel confused (gaslighting), or making you look or feel foolish by constantly correcting you.

A type of psychological abuse is gas lighting, and this happens when someone tries to make you doubt your perception of reality. It might include trying to convince you that your thoughts or memories are wrong or that you are overreacting to an event. Gas lighting often begins small, but over time, can lead someone to second guess their own emotions and memories, and they may rely on the perpetrator to tell them if their memory is correct or if their emotions are ‘reasonable.’ Gas lighting can cause a person to experience confusion, increasing self-doubt, diminished self-esteem, confusion, uneasiness, low mood, and the urge to retreat. Common gas lighting examples include:

Withholding: This happens when someone refuses to listen to any concerns or pretends not to understand them. For example, “I don’t have time to listen to this, you don’t make any sense.”
Countering: This aims to question a person’s memory by denying that events occurred in the way the person accurately remembers. They may also invent details of the event that didn’t occur. For example, “I heard you say it! Your memory is terrible- you never remember our conversations right.”
Forgetting/ denial: This type of gaslighting happens when a person pretends to forget event that happened, in the aim of discrediting a person’s memory. A perpetrator might deny making promises to avoid responsibility. For example, “What are you talking about? I never said that.”
Blocking/ diversion: This happens when someone changes the subject in order to divert the person’s attention from the topic. A perpetrator might twist a conversation into an argument about the person’s credibility. For example, “Have you been talking to your sister again? She always puts stupid ideas in your head.”
Trivialising: This occurs when a perpetrator asserts that a person is overreacting to hurtful behaviour. This leads a person to believe that their emotions are invalid or excessive. For example, “You’re so sensitive- everyone else thought it was funny.”

A study by Simon (2010) as reported here also added that covert gas lighting tactics and behaviours also include minimisation, selective attention/ inattention, rationalisation, diversion, evasion, deliberate vagueness, covert intimidation, veiled threats, guilt tripping, shaming, playing the victim, vilifying the victim, playing the servant role, seduction, projecting blame, feigning innocence/ ignorance/ confusion, and brandishing anger. The behaviours can be used in isolation, but are frequently used in combination. The perpetrator uses this trust to gain control, and often uses a person’s ‘mistakes’ or ‘over-reactions’ to cast themselves as the victim.

Coercive control is a relatively new term but refers to a systemic pattern of behaviour that establishes dominance over another person through intimidation, isolation, and terror-inducing violence or threats of violence. It represents a combination of behaviours including restrictions on freedom and independence and safety, and acts of violence can continue and even escalate after a relationship has ended. It is most commonly experienced in combination with psychological, physical and sexual violence, and the risk of revictimization and danger is high when experiencing coercive control.

Spiritual violence (or religious abuse) happens when someone uses spiritual or religious beliefs to hurt, scare or control someone else. It can involve someone forcing you or your family to participate in spiritual or religious practices that you don’t want to or refusing to allow you to participant in spiritual or religious practices that are important to you. It may also include using religious or spiritual leaders or teachings to force you to stay in a relationship or marriage, to excuse violence or abuse, to blame you for violence or abuse, to encourage you to accept or stay quiet about violence and abuse, to stop you or your family from getting medical, health or legal support, or forcing or pressuring you into a marriage you don’t want. If someone stops you from returning home to your country, or shames or insults your religious or spiritual beliefs, this is also abuse.

Social abuse is behaviour that aims to cut you off from your family, friends or community, and can involve attempts to harm your relationships or reputation. It can include things done in the home, in public, over the phone or on the internet or social media. It might include not allowing you to go outside your home, room or accommodation, needing to know everywhere you have been or are going, and everyone you have seen or are planning to see, checking or interfering with your mail, phone, email or social media, telling lies about you to your family or friends or trying to turn others against you, deliberately doing things to make you miss or be late for events, appointments or meetings, and restricting access to your car or other forms of transport, wheelchairs or mobility aids.

Legal violence happens when someone uses the law or legal threats to scare and control you. While courts and legal processes are there to help us solve hard problems, sometimes people use the law to scare others, to wear them down or stop them moving on with their life. Legal issues are stressful; however they should not be used to scare or control you. It might include making false reports to the court or the police, stopping you from getting legal advice or speaking to an advocate, destroying documents that might be used as evidence against a perpetrator or violence, or not doing what the court has order them to do (i.e. not complying with legal orders).

Reproductive violence (or reproductive coercion) happens when you are stopped from making your own choices about your reproductive system. It might include being forced or pressured to become pregnant, being forced or pressured to have a baby or an abortion, being forced or pressured to be sterilised, making you have unprotected sex, interfering with or stopping your access to birth control (including the pill, condoms, diaphragms and others), stopping you from accessing emergency contraception, or forcing you to take emergency contraception when you don’t want it, knowingly passing a sexually transmitted infection to you, stopping you from accessing reproductive health care, forcing or pressuring you to have operations to remove parts of your reproductive system (including tubal ligation, hysterectomy or vasectomy), stopping or discouraging informed and consensual sexual expression, or preventing or limiting your access to sexual health services and information. Reproductive violence shouldn’t be confused with when doctors or medical professional make suggestions about what they think is best for your health. However, you should not feel pressured to make a decision about your body when you are confused or unsure about what is involved and why it is being suggested. What happens to your body should always be your choice.

Neglect happens when you are denied the things you need to live a safe, comfortable and healthy life. It often happens to people who require help or support to complete daily tasks (such as people with a disability, elderly people, children, people living in group homes or day support facilities, or people who temporarily need extra support, for example, after surgery or an accident). Neglect means that others fail to provide you with enough good quality food and water, personal care and support, a clean, safe and health place to live, enough space for personal privacy, access to outgoing, transport to appointments, the right clothes and shoes for the weather, ways to keep your clothes and body clean, a safe place to sleep, and love and care.

Stalking is a pattern of repeated, unwanted attention and contact by a person that causes fear or concern for one’s own safety or the safety of someone else. It is often relentless and can leave you feeling like you can’t escape. It might include repeated emails or social media messages, repeated phone calls, texts or voice messages, the person physically following you, notes or unwanted gifts left at your house, work or car, gathering information about you or going through your rubbish, hiring a private investigator to follow or learn information about you; showing up uninvited at your home, work or school, and using social media to track, bully, intimidate or bother you. The behaviour might seem friendly or harmless but get angrier or violent over time. Like other forms of violence, stalking is about control, and can scare you into changing your routine and behaviour and may stop you feeling safe.

Where to next?

Big compassionate breath out. Good job, we made it.

Now for the important next steps- if you have experienced or are currently experiencing intimate partner violence, it is not ok. No matter the excuse, explanation or reasoning given by another, nothing you have done or haven’t done ever makes IPV ok. You deserve help and you deserve better. You can discuss this with your psychologist, or there are people and organisations who care and who can help. They include 1800 RESPECT, Mensline Australia,Safe Steps, Family Advocacy and Support Services, CASA House and Women’s Legal Service. If you are at immediate risk of harm, please dial 000.

At SHIPS, we have practitioners that are knowledgeable and skilled on working with people who have experienced or are currently experiencing intimate partner violence, as well as people who have perpetrated or exhibited abusive behaviours to others. If you may benefit from some support on this topic, please check out our website resources or contact us.